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Title Screen
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Movie Title/Year and Scene Descriptions |
Screenshots
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Jack and Jill (2011)
- the scene of Jill Sadelstein (Adam Sandler dressed
in drag) smashing Al Pacino's sole golden Oscar trophy during a
game of pool - and 'her' apology: "Oh, my God! I am so sorry!
I'm sure you have others, though"; Al Pacino (as Himself)
quipped:
"Ah, you'd think it, but, uh, oddly enough, I don't"
- the so-called cringworthy "Dunkaccino" sequence
at a Dunkin' Donuts shop, - an awful
fake Dunkaccino coffee commercial starring Al Pacino (as Himself);
he introduced himself: "It's not Al anymore, it's Dunk"; the acclaimed
actor performed a Broadway-styled promo with a hip-hop beat, and
terrible rhyming lyrics: "What's my name?...It's a whole new game....You
want creamy goodness, I'm your friend, Say hello to my chocolate
blend"
(as he opened his coat lining to reveal a donut pattern)
- further lyrics made reference to a number of his
famous quotes from (Scarface (1983), Dog Day Afternoon (1975),
Scent of a Woman (1992), ...And Justice for All (1979), The Godfather
(1972), and The
Godfather Part II (1974)): "Attica, Ho-Hah, Latte Light / This
whole trial is outta sight /
They pull me back in with Hazelnut Too / Caramel Swirl I know it
was you / Everyone wants my Dunkaccino / Can't get enough of my
Dunkaccino / Kids from seven to seventino / Linin' up for my Dunkaccino
/ What's my name? - Dunkaccino / A dunka dunka dunka dunka - Dunkaccino"
- after
viewing the commercial during the editing phase, Pacino gave his
own evaluation: "Burn this...This must never be seen by anyone...All
copies - destroy them!"
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Jackass: The Movie (2002)
- the scene of the prank called "golf
course airhorn" - the sounding of a loud airhorn just as
an unsuspecting golfer swung his/her club, to deliberately aggravate
the player
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Jaws
(1975)
- marine biologist and shark expert Matt Hooper's
(Richard Dreyfuss) wordless mockery of shark-hating, salty and
grizzled fisherman-hunter Quint (Robert Shaw) by sarcastically
crushing a styrofoam cup after Quint crushed a beer can with
one hand
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The Jerk (1979)
- the many dim-witted bumblings of the idiotic 'jerk'
Navin R. Johnson (Steve Martin), such as in the opening when
he avowed that he was born into a black family of poor sharecroppers:
("Huh? I am not a bum. I'm a jerk. I once had wealth, power,
and the love of a beautiful woman. Now, I only have two things:
my friends and, uh, my thermos. Huh? My story? OK. It was never
easy for me. I was born a poor black child. I remember the days,
sittin' on the porch with my family, singin' and dancin' down
in Mississippi... "); but then he learned on his birthday
from his mother (Mabel King) that he would always stay a white
color: ("Navin, you're not our natural-born child...You
were left on our doorstep but we raised you like you were one
of us...Navin, I'd love you if you were the color of a baboon's
ass")
- Navin's excitement about finding his name in the
new phone book: ("The new phone book's here! The new phone
book's here!...Nothing? Are you kidding? Page 73 - Johnson, Navin
R.! I'm somebody now! Millions of people look at this book every
day! This is the kind of spontaneous publicity - your name in
print - that makes people. I'm in print! Things are going to
start happening to me now")
- the
"He hates these cans" scene at the gas station,
when an angry madman sniper (M. Emmet Walsh) was aiming at gas
pumper attendant Navin ("Die
MilkFace!"),
but instead was missing and hitting a rack of motor oil cans on
the station island. Navin called out: "Hey
Harry. Look at this. What's the matter with these cans?...These
cans, they're defective. They're springing leaks. Come over here
and look at this"; when Harry alerted Navin: "Listen, you'd
better run for cover or you're gonna spring a leak....We don't
have defective cans. We have a defective person out there," Navin
ignorantly shouted out: "He hates these cans. Stay away from the
cans. I've got to get away from those cans! (He ran into a coke
machine) There's cans in there, too! Run! Run! More cans!";
Harry again warned his dim-wit colleague: "He doesn't want to put
holes in the cans. He wants to put holes in you!"
- Navin's invention of the Opti-Grab for eyeglasses
- a combination handle and nose-brace
- his stint as a weight-guesser at a carnival:
"For one dollar, I'll guess your weight, your height or your
sex"
- also, the scene of Navin's discovery of his "special
purpose" (his penis) with daredevil biker Patty Bernstein
(Catlin Adams) - when she propositioned him: "You know what
I'd like to do?...Guess your weight...Put your arms up" -
and then she began kneading his buttocks, causing him to get
sexually excited; during sex as he lost his virginity, he exclaimed: "Hey,
this is like a ride"
as the trailer rocked back and forth; his Grandmother Johnson (Frances
E. Williams) read Navin's letter about his deflowering experience:
("My dear family, guess what? Today I found out what my special
purpose is for. Gosh, what a great time I had. I wish the whole
family could've been here with me. Maybe some other time as I intend
to do this a lot. Every chance I get. I think next week, I'll be
able to send more money as I may have extra work. My friend Patty
promised me a blow job. Your loving son, Navin")
- his discussion with Marie Kimble Johnson (Bernadette
Peters) while she slept: ("I know we've only known each
other four weeks and three days, but to me it seems like nine
weeks and five days. The first day seemed like a week and the
second day seemed like five days. And the third day seemed like
a week again and the fourth day seemed like eight days. And the
fifth day you went to see your mother and that seemed just like
a day, and then you came back and later on the sixth day, in
the evening, when we saw each other, that started seeming like
two days, so in the evening it seemed like two days spilling
over into the next day and that started seeming like four days,
so at the end of the sixth day on into the seventh day, it seemed
like a total of five days. And the sixth day seemed like a week
and a half. I have it written down, but I can show it to you
tomorrow if you want to see it")
- the hilarious "That's All I Need" scene
in which the heartbroken Navin described to Marie the only things
he needed to take when leaving her - all trivial possessions,
including an ashtray, a paddle game, the remote control, matches,
a lamp and a chair, and a magazine: ("Well,
I'm gonna go then. And I don't need any of this. I don't need
this stuff and I don't need you. I don't need anything -- except
this, this ash tray, and that's the only thing I need is this!
I don't need nothin' but this - just this ash tray, and this
paddle game. The ash tray and the paddle game - and that's all
I need, and this - the remote control. The ash tray, the paddle
game and the remote control, that's all I need. And these matches.
The ash tray, and these matches, and the remote control, and
the paddle ball. And this lamp. That's right. This paddle game,
and the remote control, and the lamp and that's all I need. And
that's all I
need too! I don't need one other thing. Not one - I need
this - the paddle game and the chair and the remote control and
the matches, for sure. Well, what are you looking at? What do
you think I am, some kind of a jerk or something? And this. That's
all I need. The ash tray, the remote control, and this paddle
game, and this magazine and the chair...I don't need one other
thing, except my dog (the dog growled at him) I don't need my
dog")
- the scene of the demonstration of 'cat juggling'
- Navin was first warned about the "ugly" and disgusting
practice: "You
will not believe what you are about to see, that human beings
could have sunk so low that they can take pleasure to do
this to another of God's creatures. I hope you have a strong
stomach, senor"; when he was shown the projected black and
white film (of himself with a black wig, and about to juggle
three kittens), he cried out: "Good Lord. I've heard about
this. Cat juggling. Stop it, stop it, stop it! Good.
Father, could there be a God that would let this happen?"
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Johnny Dangerously (1984)
- in this gangster comedy, the charges brought
against 1930s crime boss Roman Troy Moronie (Richard Dimitri) by
the courtroom judge: "The Mother's Day Massacre, the Christmas
Day Slaughter, the Lincoln's Birthday Mutilation, and the Groundhog's
Day Beheadings"; defendant Moronie was then allowed to read
a prepared statement (with malapropism of swear words) before questioning: "I
would like to direct this to the distinguished members of the panel.
'You lousy cork-soakers. You have violated my fargin rights. This
sum of a batching country was founded so that the liberties of
common patriotic citizens, like me, could not be taken away by
a bunch of fargin iceholes, like yourselves'"
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Jurassic
Park (1993)
- the many off-handed remarks
by hipster mathematician Dr. Ian Malcolm (Jeff Goldblum), including
the classic line: "That's a big pile of s--t!" on seeing
a five foot pile of dinosaur dung, and the wisecrack after being
chased in a jeep by a rampaging T-Rex: "Do you think they'll
have that on the tour?"
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The Kentucky Fried Movie
(1977)
- in the sketch titled: "The Wonderful World
of Sex" (aka "Sex Record"),
a black couple - Girl (Sharon Kaugh) and Boy (Jack Baker) - were
experiencing awkwardness during sex as they approached "the
conjugal bed," including
the frequent problem of premature ejaculation; The Joy of Sex album
promised that it came equipped with the saving appearance of "Big
Jim Slade" (Manuel Perry) - and he suddenly walked in on the couple
- the parody of sexploitation
films titled "Catholic High School Girls In Trouble" (big-busted Uschi Digard
was credited as the character "Woman in Shower") - as a
male rubbed the female's large breasts, the sound effects were
like the squeaky rubbing of a balloon; a narrator announced: "More
offensive than Mandingo. More shocking than Behind the
Green Door. More erotic than Deep Throat. You will cream
in your jeans when you see Catholic High School Girls in Trouble..."
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The Kid Stays in the Picture
(2002)
- the 1976 out-take footage during the end credits
- of Dustin Hoffman doing an unscripted, impromptu impersonation
of Robert Evans giving a 1996 President-Elect acceptance speech
on the set of Marathon Man (1976) ("...By
the way, I wanna say I want to thank you very much for listening.
And I wanna say that, that uhm, I wish all of you a healthy life,
because my life is over. And I was just gonna ask one favor.
President Warren Beatty has asked me to ask your vote again,
and I ask you to do it, just for me, just for me. Because he
has some terrible scandal on me, and I don't want to get up.
And I'm afraid he's gonna tell it. And it's very embarrassing
to me. So please vote for Warren Beatty for his second term for
President. And I wish you a good evening, and...")
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Kingpin (1996)
-
the scene of broke, down-and-out, middle-aged ex-bowling
star Roy Munson (Woody Harrelson) trying to fool his wheezing
landlady (Lin Shaye) into believing that he deserved to be given
an extension on his rent; when she discovered his deception and
he suggested: "There's gotta be some way I can work this off. Some way
I can make it up to you" - suddenly she stopped resisting
him, as the Simon & Garfunkel tune The Sounds of Silence was
heard; he was forced to have sex with her to pay his rent
- after the scene of sex (implied) with her, he
was seen kneeling and puking into the toilet, and the decrepit
old woman was smoking in bed and telling him: "Oh,
stop it! It wasn't that bad. Oh, my little Roy toy. What is it about
good sex that makes me have to crap? I guess it's all that pumpin'.
Pump and dump! (Roy puked) You really jarred something loose, tiger.
(In a pose that resembled The Graduate (1967),
she pulled her socks up over skinny, varicose-veined legs)
Oh, boy! I've got two bits of advice for you, Munson. Number
one, why don't you forget about this bowling business and get
yourself a real job. (More puking) Two, you still owe me another
month's rent, so if I were you, I would start doing some tongue
exercises before Friday"; she made the sign
of cunnilingus - her spread fingers in a V shape with her tongue wagging
in between
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Kramer vs. Kramer (1979)
- the scene in which six-year-old
Billy Kramer (Justin Henry), son of separated-divorced parents,
surprised a very naked Phyllis Bernard (JoBeth Williams) en route
to the bathroom, as she stuttered while introducing herself: "I'm
a friend, uh, business associate of your father's." The
boy asked the embarrassed and flustered woman: "Do you like
fried chicken?" Afterwards, she told the boy's father Ted
(Dustin Hoffman) in the bedroom: "Kramer, I just met your
son"
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Kung Fu Hustle (2004, HK/China)
- the failed knife-hurling assassination scene, when
Sing (Stephen Chow) was teaching Bone (Tze Chung Lam),
his chubby apprentice-sidekick, how to throw a
knife and kill the Landlady of Pig Sty Alley (Qiu Yuen); when
the apprentice took the knife and wound backwards, the knife blade
stuck into Sing's right shoulder; during a second attempt, the
knife blade went into Sing's right bicep, and the handle flew off
and struck the Landlady in the mouth
(she had a cigarette dangling from her lip and curlers in her hair)
- she screamed out: "Who's
throwing handles?"
- next, Bone went
to heave a cage full of snakes at her, but the top of the cage opened
up, and the snakes dropped out all over Sing, as the sidekick
nervously suggested another 'bright idea': "Don't panic. Snakes
like music. If I whistle, they won't bite"; when Sing agreed
("Oh, what
the hell!") and let out a whistle, two cobras bit him on the
lip from opposite directions
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L.A. Story (1991)
- the film's opening voice-over, introducing Harris
K. Telemacher (Steve Martin), as he was riding a stationary bike
in a park, and paraphrasing from William Shakespeare's Richard
II play: ("My name is Harris K. Telemacher. I live in
Los Angeles, and I've had seven heart attacks, all imagined.
That is to say, I was deeply unhappy but I didn't know it, because
I was so happy all the time. I have a favorite quote about L.A.
by William Shakespeare. He said: 'This other Eden, demi-paradise,
this precious stone set in the silver sea of this earth, this
ground, this Los Angeles. Anyway, this is what happened to me,
and I swear, it's all true")
- Harris' solution to LA gridlock - buckling up
his seatbelt, and like clockwork, taking a detour through side-streets,
over sidewalks, backyards and lawns, to avoid the traffic, and
later, the road rage scene of firing his pistol at an aggressive
water-delivery truck
- the scene of the report LA weatherman Telemacher's
"Wac-Wac-Wacky Weekend Weather!"
- the many gags about LA's lifestyle (i.e., the
Walk/Don't Walk sign that read: "Like Uh Don't Walk")
- his amusing thought: "I could never be a
woman, 'cause I'd just stay home and play with my breasts all
day"
- the one-upsmanship lunch scene of ordering coffees
at a trendy restaurant: (Harris: "I'll have a half double
decaffeinated half-caf, with a twist of lemon"), and an
earthquake that no one paid attention to
- the brilliantly funny cameo by Patrick Stewart
as a French-accented Maitre D' ("You zink with a bank statement
like zis you can have ze duck?!")
- the classic museum scene in which Telemacher roller-skated
past objets d'art, then described one painting to his friends
as sexy: ("The way he's holding her. It's almost - filthy.
I mean, he's, he's about to kiss her and she's pulling away.
The way the leg's sort of smashed up against her. Phew. Look
how he's painted the blouse sort of translucent. You can just
make out her breasts underneath and it's sort of touching him
about here. It's really pretty torrid, don't you think? And of
course you have the onlookers peeking at them from behind a doorway
like they're all shocked. They wish! You know, when I see a painting
like this, I get, uh, emotionally - erect") - and the painting
was only a large red rectangle!
- Harris' asking the name of carefree, playful
Valley Girl airhead SanDeE*'s (Sarah Jessica Parker), and commenting
on name variations: ("It's a nice name, but everybody has
such weird names now, it's like Tiffany with a p-h-i, and instead
of Nancy, it's Nanceen") - after spelling her name for him
three times: ("big S, small a, small n, big D, small e,
big E and there's a little star at the end"), she wrote
it on his palm surrounded by a heart shape; and later, his reaction
after touching her breasts: "SanDeE*, your... your breasts
feel weird"
with her unexpected reply: "Oh, that's 'cause they're real"
- the romance between Harris and British journalist
Sara McDowel (Victoria Tennant), aided by freeway signs, as Harris
explained in voice-over: ("There are two events in my life
that I consider to be magical, that couldn't be explained scientifically.
The first of them was about to happen") -- a Freeway Condition
sign (!) began to flash messages at him, and at first suspected
he was being filmed, but then began to seriously take its advice
about changing his life and romancing Sara: ("HIYA", "I
SAID HIYA", "R U O K?", "DON'T MAKE ME WASTE
LETTERS",
"R.U.O.K.?", "HUG ME", "I SAID HUG ME", "I'M
A SIGNPOST", "HUG ME",
"PLEASE?", "THAT FELT GOOD", "I C PEOPLE
N TROUBLE & I STOP THEM",
"L.A. WANTS 2 HELP U", "U WILL KNOW WHAT 2 DO WHEN
U UNSCRAMBLE HOW DADDY IS DOING", "IT'S A RIDDLE")
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The
Lady Eve (1941)
- writer/director Preston Sturges' greatest comedy
with offbeat characters and great dialogue - and its many scenes
of comic erotic seduction, sexy legs, slapstick pratfalls, and
witty dialogue between Jean Harrington (Barbara Stanwyck) and
gullible, wealthy snake expert Charles "Hopsie" Pike
(Henry Fonda)
- specifically on a transatlantic oceanliner, resourceful,
sophisticated and alluring Jean Harrington and her crooked but
lovable father, Colonel Harrington (Charles Coburn), taking advantage
of innocent, dense and slow-thinking, snake-loving 'Hopsie' -
the wealthy heir to a brewery fortune; she sized him up as she
voyeuristically watched the eligible bachelor and described what
she saw through a compact make-up mirror held up to reflect the
obvious and futile efforts and tricks of other amateurish debutantes
and single women behind her, while she commented on Hopsie's
unpreparedness and deplorable naivete: ("Not good enough...they're
not good enough for him. Every Jane in the room is giving him
the thermometer and he feels they're just a waste of time. He's
returning to his book, he's deeply immersed in it. He sees no
one except - watch his head turn when that kid goes by. It won't
do you any good, dear, he's a bookworm, but swing 'em anyway.
Oh, now how about this one. How would you like that hanging on
your Christmas tree? Oh you wouldn't? Well, what is your weakness,
brother? Holy smoke, the dropped kerchief! That hasn't been used
since Lily Langtry. You'll have to pick it up yourself, madam.
It's a shame, but he doesn't care for the flesh. He'll never
see it...(imitating Hopsie speaking to himself) I wonder if my
tie's on straight. I certainly upset them, don't I? Now who else
is after me? Ah, the lady champion wrestler, wouldn't she make
a houseful. Oh, you don't like her either. Well, what are you
going to do about her? Oh, you just can't stand it anymore. You're
leaving. These women don't give you a moment's peace, do they?
Well go ahead! Go sulk in your cabin. Go soak your head and see
if I care")
- after her long monologue, Jean's attempt to snare
the reclusive millionaire as he walked out, by stretching out
her shapely foot and ankle from under the table into his path,
tripping him - and after he fell flat on his face to the floor,
she complained that he had broken her shoe's heel - and forced
him to accompany her to her room to replace them -- her means
to get acquainted
- the flirtatious scene in her ship's cabin after
Charles escorted Jean there to try on a new pair of evening 'slippers'
- when she extended her shapely leg for the fitting, he held
onto her ankle and stared deeply into her eyes, while she stared
back and he became overpowered by her perfume: ("You see,
where I've been, I mean up the Amazon, you kind of forget how,
I mean, when you haven't seen a girl in a long time. I mean,
uh, there's something about that perfume that...Like it! I'm cock-eyed on
it!") - she resisted him, purposely: ("Why Hopsie!
You ought to be kept in a cage!")
- the sequence of Charles' introduction of his pet
snake Emma (a rare type of Brazilian glass snake) to Jean when
they were outside his stateroom cabin: ("Would you care
to come in... and see Emma?") - she flippantly responded:
("That's a new one, isn't it?") - and then she screamed
when she saw the creature slithering around on Charles' pajamas
on the bed, and rushed out of the room
- the memorable most artful, sexually-lustful seduction
scene, back in her cabin, when she leaned over and wrapped her
arms around his neck, almost holding it in a vise, and began
to caress his hair, face and earlobe - while his eyes sometimes
closed. Jean cradled his head with her right arm, and as they
talked, she nuzzled close to his cheek, tantalized him and drove
him wild: ("Oh darling, hold me tight! Oh, you don't know
what you've done to me"); during a lengthy conversation,
with her face nestled against his, she teased and kidded with
him - and tenderly and seductively stroked his cheek and fooled
with his hair and ear, causing him to become paralyzed with desire;
and then she described her ideal man: ("He's a little short
guy with lots of money....What does it matter if he's rich? It's
so he'll look up to me. So I'll be his ideal....And when
he takes me out to dinner, he'll never add up the check and he
won't smoke greasy cigars or use grease on his hair. And, oh
yes, he, he won't do card tricks...When I marry, it's gonna be
somebody I've never seen before. I mean I won't know what he
looks like or where he'll come from of what he'll be. I want
him to sort of - take me by surprise....And the night will be
heavy with perfume. And I'll hear a step behind me and somebody
breathing heavily, and then - you'd better go to bed, Hopsie.
I think I can sleep peacefully now")
- the sequence of Jean's elaborate and vengeful
scam to get even by posing as her own virtuous sister: ("I've
got some unfinished business with him. I need him like the axe
needs the turkey") - a tricky impersonation of aristocratic,
bewitching English woman, Lady Eve Sedgwick (who looked suspiciously
exactly like Jean Harrington) to seduce Charles (a second time)
and make him fall in love with her again - so that she could
get the upper hand; Charles was completely taken aback and stunned
when first introduced to Lady Eve
- confused by Lady Eve's identity, the magnificent
pratfall when Charles was distracted, and he tripped and dove
right over a low sofa couch, ending up on top of a coffee table
with his head in a bowl of lobster dip, as his rotund, frog-voiced
father Mr. Horace Pike (Eugene Pallette) remarked: "You
haven't been hitting the bottle lately, have you?"
- their wedding night scene aboard a speeding train
en route to their honeymoon - causing Pike great dismay when
Lady Eve told him about all her past lovers (Angus, Herman, Vernon,
Cecil, Hubert, Herbert, and John)
- the final scene, again onboard an ocean liner,
in which Jean happened to luckily meet Pike again by deliberately
tripping him -- and their curtain closing revelations at her
state-room cabin door - Pike: "There's just one thing. I
feel it's only fair to tell you. It would never have happened
except she looked so exactly like you. And I have no right to
be in your cabin....Because I'm married" -- Jean: "But
so am I, darling. So am I"
- Pike's cynical and protective guardian/valet Muggsy
(William Demarest) delivered the final line to the camera after
stealthily sneaking out of their room: "Positively the same
dame!"
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The Ladykillers (1955, UK)
- this "Ealing comedy"
plot line - a motly group of bumbling mobsters under assumed names:
(Claude (Cecil Parker), Louis (Herbert Lom), Harry (Peter Sellers)
and One-Round (Danny Green)), were planning on a robbery caper
of 60,000 pounds from security vehicles, led by devious, eccentric,
pasty-faced and buck-toothed criminal mastermind Professor
Marcus (Alec Guinness)
- they rented an upstairs room (and pretended to
be musicians in a 'string quartet' in an ongoing gag in which
they camouflaged their activities by playing a gramophone) in
the London house of seemingly harmless and gullible, but prim
and proper landlady Mrs. Wilberforce (Katie Johnson) -- dubbed
"Mrs. Lopsided" -- who proceeded to outwit and foil their
plans at every step
- the scene of the reluctant drawing of straws to
decide who would be the 'ladykiller' - and Marcus' assertion: "Mrs.
Wilberforce, I don't think you understand the intricacies of
the situation"
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A League of Their Own (1992)
- baseball team manager Jimmy Dugan's (Tom Hanks)
tirade at his female right-fielder Evelyn Gardner (Bitty Schram)
for making a stupid play: "Which team do you play for?...Well, I was
just wondering, 'cause I couldn't figure out why you'd
throw home when we've got a two-run lead! You let the tying
run get on second and we lost the lead because of you.
Now you start usin' your head! That's that lump that's
three feet above your ass!...Are you crying?... Are you
crying? ARE YOU CRYING? There's no crying! There's no crying
in baseball!...Rogers Hornsby was my manager, and he called
me a talking pile of pigs--t, and that was when my parents
drove all the way down from Michigan to see me play the
game! And did I cry?... No! No! And do you know why?...
Because there's no crying in baseball! There's no crying
in baseball, no crying!"
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Little Miss Sunshine (2006)
- in the conclusion of this
quirky, Best Picture-nominated, independent light comedy/road movie
about an oddball, dysfunctional New Mexico family, 7 year-old daughter
Olive (Abigail Breslin) competed in the Little Miss Sunshine beauty
pageant in Redondo Beach, California
- the film satirically portrayed the
pageant as a sexually-provocative event for the pre-pubescent contestants
(who wore garish makeup, styled hair, and raunchy clothing along
the lines of Jon-Benet Ramsay)
- the other young competitors performed
sexy night-club songs and dances - but the plumpish, sweet and
bespectacled wannabee Olive performed an over-sexualized dance
to Rick James' Superfreak, a cringe-inducing pretend striptease
routine (taught to her by her rakish but loving grandfather (Oscar-winning
Alan Arkin)); even though she kept her clothes on, she crawled
like a cat in heat, and threw articles of clothing off the stage
- horrifying the audience and repulsing the contest organizers
who were forced to admit the actual sexual sub-text of their exploitative
event, while family members stood and applauded her efforts
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The Little Shop of Horrors (1960)
Both films (the original 1960 version and the 1986
version) had scene-stealing performances by Jack Nicholson and Bill
Murray as a masochistic, pain-loving dental patient.
The
highlight from the 1960 version was when undertaker Wilbur Force (Jack
Nicholson) entered the dentist's office for service. [In the previous
scene, Seymour Krelboyne (Jonathan Haze) had accidentally stabbed
and killed the sadistic dentist, Dr. Phoebus Farb (John Shaner),
when defending himself from a painful operation.] Wilbur mistook
Seymour for the dentist, and claimed he was a patient who needed
immediate attention for his many dental problems: "I have three
or four abscesses, a touch of pyorrhea, nine or ten cavities, I lost
my pivot tooth, and I'm in terrible pain." He claimed he could
wait in the outer room awhile, where he giggled while reading (outloud)
an article in PAIN Magazine:
The patient came to me with a large hole in his abdomen,
caused by a fire poker used on him by his wife. He almost bled
to death and gangrene had set in. I didn't give him much of a chance.
There were other complications. The man had cancer, tuberculosis,
leprosy, and a touch of the grippe. I decided to operate.
When Seymour finally ushered him in, Wilbur eagerly
sat in the chair ("I'd almost rather go to the dentist than
anywhere, wouldn't you?") and insisted:
"Now, no novocaine. It dulls the senses." He seemed to
enjoy Seymour's gallant yet incompetent drilling, shouting out: "Oh,
goody, goody, here it comes! Oh my God! Don't stop now!", and
he left very satisfied, but with fewer teeth after asking for some
of his teeth to be extracted: ("Well, Dr. Farb, it's been quite
an afternoon. I can truly say I've never enjoyed myself so much.
I'll recommend you to all my friends").
Little Shop of Horrors (1986)
And in the 1986 version,
dental patient Arthur Denton (Bill Murray) told sadistic, Elvis-like,
motor-cycle riding and torturing dentist Orin Scrivello, DDS (Steve
Martin) with gleeful, sexual anticipation:
"I've been saving all month for this. I think I need a root canal.
I'm sure I need a long... slow...
root canal!"
After putting Denton in the chair, Scrivello surveyed
his gleaming drawer of punishing-looking dentist's tools, pushed
the patient down to a horizontal position and torturously warned:
"Let's take a look at that mouth! Say 'Ahh!'"
Arthur delivered a long and nervous monologue about
his past experiences with dentists before and during the painful
procedure, sometimes with his mouth bulging with cotton: ("I
went to a terrible dentist Wednesday, who was recommended to me by
somebody that I saw on Monday who is the brother of a man that I
usually see on Sundays. And their mother actually taught them everything
that they know. She's incredibly gifted, but quite elderly. And a
lot of people think she shouldn't be working. But I go to her because
I'm just incredibly devoted to her strength. She can't really see
who you are, but she knows, she knows the sound of your voice. And
if you tell her where it is, the problem, she eventually works her
way back and she finds the trouble and she does it. I wish I had
that stamina, 'cause I can only go so long. That's how I want to
be. I don't ever want to have to be just... I remember the first
time I went to a dentist. I thought, 'Gosh, What a neat job! If only
I were a dentist.' The dentist I went to had the greatest car. He
had a Corvette. I thought, 'My gosh. Everybody calls him 'Doctor,
' and he's not really a doctor.' Oh, my God. 'If only I got out of
here okay.' But then after everything was all finished, they gave
me a candy bar. I thought, 'This is what I get? A candy bar?' This
is what you do. You go through a little thing and get chocolate out
of it. Getting to work with incredible professionals who use incredibly,
incredibly wonderful equipment...Ahhh! Ahhh! Candy bar! Ohh! Candy
bar! Candy bar! Gosh! Oh, God. Do it again. Oh, God, doctor. Whoo!
Yeah, aw, great! Oh, you are something special. You are something
special! Come on! Come on! Come on! Mm, aw, oh! Thank you! Oh, yeah,
thank you! Oh, my God. It's your professionalism that I respect.
Oh, God! Don't stop, doc! Don't stop! Come on! More! Yeah! Yeah,
come on! Yeah!...")
He screamed out in orgasmic ecstasy as his mouth
was being drilled -- but then the dentist suddenly ordered him out
of the chair and office, calling him a "god-damn sicko!" |
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Lost in America (1985)
- the early scene of neurotic adman David Howard's
(writer/director Albert Brooks) last day at work when he had
a long telephone conversation with Mercedes dealer Hans (Hans
Wagner) about buying one of the luxury vehicles; when negotiating
about the total price, the dealer replied that everything was
included in the price ($44,420), and he would have to add only
one thing:
"Just leather, that's all you'd have to add, nothing else";
David was astounded: "Really?...It doesn't come with leather?" -
the dealer specified: "It's what they call Mercedes leather";
David asked about the inferior leather:
"What would that be?" - and he was told: "It's a
very thick vinyl, a beautiful seat"
- the scene of David's firing in executive Paul Dunn's
(Michael Greene) office, after eight years of service, when he
was offered a transfer to New York rather than a promotion to the
position of senior vice-president, and he refused to take no
for an answer; when his boss tried to reason with him: "Look,
I know you're upset, and I can appreciate it. And I'm gonna forget
what you said a few minutes ago. I'm sure you don't want to blow
eight years with this company" - David audaciously replied:
("F--k you!); the boss simply answered: "David, you're
fired!"; David went on a rampage: ("Fired? Oh, I'm fired!
Oh, this is great. How dare you? I want my eight years back! I've
wasted my youth for you. I'm wasted! I'm over. Come on. I want 'em
back! I'm gonna stand in this office until you give them back to
me! Better than that, I'm gonna start taking things home with me.
I want your clock, right behind you. Give me that clock!")
- the sequence of David's conversation immediately
after with ditzy wife Linda (Julie Hagerty) about his firing, and
his urging of her to quit her job too: ("Quit your job...I
did, you do it!...Well, I didn't really quit, but I got fired but
it was the same thing. Linda, you were right! No more 'Responsible
David'. I'm free. I was responsibly blind, honey. I was a dead
man...I'm giving you credit for saving my life.....Linda, they
were jacking me off. I was on the road to nowhere. Do you know
the road? It's a nowhere road. It goes nowhere! You're on it! You
don't know it? It's a nowhere road. It just goes around in a circle.
It's the carrot on the stick, and the watch when you're 70")
- the upwardly mobile, workaholic couple's dropping
out of society after selling their house, and combining their assets
to create a comfortable 'nest-egg' of $100,000; and their free-spirited
drive out of Los Angeles to Las Vegas in a recreational vehicle
Winnebago for a road trip, while David chowed-down on a micro-waved
melted cheese sandwich: ("The further we get from LA, the
better it tastes") - and his nervousness about their plan
to remarry: ("I'm nervous, but I can't wait to marry you....Clara
says that the Silver Bell Chapel is the cutest one...We'll get
there at 10:30, do it, and then we're on our way. Las Vegas here
we come!")
- the sequence of Linda's disastrous night-long experience
at a roulette table in Las Vegas' Desert Inn casino (gambling on
# 22: "Twenty-two, twenty-two, come on back to me, come on
back to me!") when she had gambled away their nest-egg - to
David's dismay: ("Say it! Say it! Say 'I lost the nest-egg.'
Go on, say it!")
- David's painful begging and unconvincing proposal
to the casino manager (Garry Marshall) to get their money back:
("As the boldest experiment in advertising history, you give
us our money back....Give us our money back. Think of the publicity...You
gave my wife and I our money back because you reviewed our situation,
and you realized that we dropped out of society, and we, we, we
weren't just gamblers. And we made a mistake and you gave our money
back. Do you know -- you couldn't get a room in this place in ten
years....You keep all the money. It's just that, that that my wife
and I aren't gamblers. That's what I'm saying. That's the distinction....We
represent the people who have taken the chance and we made a mistake.
And the Desert Inn corrects it and gives it back. There's a warm
feeling here...In the campaign, you make a clear distinction between
the bold - who would be my wife and I - and then all the other
schmucks who come here to see Wayne Newton....This costs you nothing.
To give us our money back is nothing. You would be the one who
would benefit")
- the central scene of the couple's complete and utter
meltdown and self-destruction at the Hoover Dam, when they both
stood on the edge of the railing looking down, and David suggested:
("Nice dam, huh? Do you want to go first, or should I?")
- and then he ranted and raved at her about their impoverishment:
("You took my nest-egg and you broke it all over the Desert
Inn. You filled up the casino with yolk....I was sleeping....Don't
treat me like I'm an insane patient, please! ...Out here? Out where?
We live here. Get used to the cement, honey. This is our house,
forever! This is it. We found ourselves. Boy, did we find ourselves
in the middle of nowhere, with nothing!")
- inside the recreational vehicle, David's lengthy
description of the concept of the sacred 'nest-egg' to Linda: ("Oh,
God. I guess this was my fault. That's what I'm thinking.
Maybe I just didn't explain the nest egg well enough. If
you had understood, you know, it's a very sacred thing, the
nest egg, and if you'd understood the Nest Egg Principle,
as we will now call it, in the first of many lectures that you
will have to get, because if we are to ever acquire another nest
egg, we both have to understand what it means. The egg is a protector,
like a god, and we sit under the nest egg, and we are protected
by it. Without it? No protection! Want me to go on? It pours rain.
Hey, the rain drops on the egg and falls off the side. Without
the egg? Wet! It's over. But you didn't understand
it and that's why we're where we are"); Linda
briefly responded: ("I understood the nest egg"); David
continued: ("Oh, please. Do me a favor. Don't use the
word. You may not use that word. It's off limits to you!
Only those in this house who understand nest egg may use it! And
don't use any part of it, either. Don't use 'nest.'
Don't use 'egg.' You're out in the forest you can point:
'The bird lives in a round stick.' And, and, and you have things
over easy with toast!")
- David's interview with an employment agency in
a small Arizona town for a job, when the obnoxious counselor reminded
him he had already been fired from a high-paying $100,000 job,
and that he wouldn't be interested in a lowly job: ("You couldn't
change your life on a $100 thousand dollars?...What I do have,
you wouldn't be interested in....Coming from your position and
your salary you wouldn't be interested in it"); when David
asked about the salary, the counselor joked: ("A hundred thousand
dollars!...It pays $5.50 an hour plus benefits"); David persisted,
asking about the existence of "a box of higher-paying jobs," when
the counselor sarcastically replied: ("Oh, I know, you mean
the $100,000 box!")
- the last view of David working as a school crossing
guard and being taunted by obnoxious school kids on bikes
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Love and Death (1975)
- the many one-liners, long-winded
double-talk conversations and gag scenes that spoofed classic Russian
literature and films
- the dialogue between twice-removed cousin Sonja
(Diane Keaton) and Russian soldier Boris Grushenko (Woody Allen)
about her love for Ivan (Henry Czarniak): "Ever since you and
I were little children, I've been in love with your brother lvan...He
has true animal magnetism....He kissed me...It warmed the cockles
of my heart"; Boris quipped: "Great. Nothing like hot cockles"
- pacifist and cowardly Boris' reaction to his mother
(Despo Diamantidou) urging his participation in war: "He'll
go and he'll fight. And I hope they will put him in the front lines"
-- he addressed the camera: "Thanks a lot, Mum. My mother, folks"
- the bedroom scene of recently-widowed
and nymphomaniacal Countess Alexandrovna (Olga Georges-Picot) meeting
Boris for a midnight
tryst wearing skimpy lingerie: (Alexandrovna: "How
do you like it?" Boris: "Well,
I'd prefer something sexy..." Alexandrovna: "Would you like
some wine, something to put you in the mood?" Boris: "Oh,
I've been in the mood since the late 1700s." Alexandrovna: "You're
disgusting but I love you." Boris: "Well, my disgustingness is
my best feature"); since being at the front, it had been two years
since Boris made love; after sex with her, the room looked ransacked,
and she told him: "You're the greatest lover I've ever had," and
he replied: "Well, I practice alot when I'm alone"
- the scene of Boris (posing as Don Francisco) meeting
Napoleon (James Tolkan), and their repeated lines of respect: "No,
it's a greater honor for me"
- Boris' long-winded syllogism monologue delivered
to the camera after knocking out Napoleon and looking at him unconscious
on the floor: ("Look at him. If I don't kill him, he'll make war
all through Europe. But murder? What would Socrates say? All those
Greeks were homosexuals. Boy, they must have had some wild parties.
I bet they all took a house together on Crete for the summer. (a)
Socrates is a man. (b) All men are mortal. (c) All men are Socrates.
That means all men are homosexuals. I'm not a homosexual. Once,
some Cossacks whistled at me. I happen to have the kind of body
that excites both persuasions. But, uh, you know, some men are
heterosexual, and some men are bisexual, and some men don't think
about sex at all. You know, they become lawyers"
- Boris' execution scene when he bravely and cheerfully
taunted his firing squad executioners: ("You guys are late. I've
been waitin' here since 6:30....You know how it is when you're
extra brave. Probably not. Busy day, huh? Are you guys havin' a
sale? No blindfold. That's for losers. I like to see where the
bullet hits. I learned that during the war. I was decorated, you
know, yeah! Wonder what the emperor's doing today?...You guys wanna
move a little closer? You don't wanna miss, you know. Looks bad
on the report....Boy, the emperor's really cutting it close.
What a flair for the dramatic, that old slyboots")
- the lengthy and confused diatribe about relationships
described to Sonja (Diane Keaton) by her cousin Natasha (Jessica
Harper): ("It's a very complicated situation, cousin Sonja.
I'm in love with Alexei. He loves Alicia. Alicia's having an affair
with Lev. Lev loves Tatiana. Tatiana loves Simkin. Simkin loves
me. I love Simkin, but in a different way than Alexei. Alexei loves
Tatiana like a sister. Tatiana's sister loves Trigorian like a
brother. Trigorian's brother is having an affair with my sister,
who he likes physically, but not spiritually...The firm of Mishkin
and Mishkin is sleeping with the firm of Taskov and Taskov");
Sonja responded with a further convoluted suggestion:
("Natasha, to love is to suffer. To avoid suffering, one must
not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love
is to suffer. Not to love is to suffer. To suffer is to suffer.
To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering
makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love
to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness. I hope you're getting
this down"); Natasha ended the conversation abruptly: "I
never want to marry. I just want to get divorced"
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Love Happy (1949)
- in this anarchic comedy, Detective Sam Grunion's
(Groucho Marx) beautiful blonde client (Marilyn Monroe in a small
but early memorable walk-on role), who made a dramatic entrance
into Grunion's Detective Agency, while Sam held the door open
- after she sashayed into the office, Sam asked: "Is
there anything I can do for ya?" - followed by a pause, reflection,
a glance at the audience, and then an aside: "What a ridiculous
statement!"; she put her hand on his right shoulder and responded: "Mr.
Grunion. I want you to help me"; Grunion was cooperative: "What
seems to be the trouble?"; she told him: "Some men are
following me," after which he replied: "Really? I can't
understand why" - and then rolled his eyes; he volunteered
to accompany her to the bus station when she was asked to leave: "I'll
take ya down to the bus station. Oh, if I'm not back tonight, go
ahead without me. That's been the history of all my romances"
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Lust in the Dust (1985)
- the opening 'voice-over narration of this excessively-campy
cult, tasteless Western comedy spoof: "Our
passions are like fire and water - good servants but poor masters.
The legend of Chile Verde tells of men and women who became slaves
to their passions. They paid the price here under the blistering,
burning, blazing, scorching, roasting, toasting, baking, boiling,
broiling, steaming, searing, sizzling, grilling, smoldering, VERY
HOT New Mexico sun. For there is a saying in these parts: Those
who lust in the dust shall die in the dust" [the title of
the film was inspired by the nickname given
to Selznick's Duel in the Sun (1946)]
- the scene of the entrance (on a mule) in the mid-1880s
of corpulent, black-wigged, saloon dance-hall girl Rosie Valez
(transvestite Divine, aka Glenn Milstead) in a Mexican peasant
skirt with a dilapidated parasol, who was lost and dying of thirst
in the barren New Mexico desert until she came upon a body of water
oasis and went swimming; she was spied upon by an unidentified,
Clint Eastwood-like silent lone gunman (Abel Wood (Tab Hunter));
she challenged him: "What
do you want? It's me, isn't it? You're going to take advantage
of me, you're going to have your filthy way with me under the hot
desert sun, aren't you? You're going to ravage me like I've never
been ravaged before. Your hot sweat sliding over my body as we
roll in the dust. Oh, as you violate my inner-most parts, as you
pound against me in the most orgasmic, animal passion - Oh, God,
you're disgusting"; after inspecting her underclothes, the
gunman shot a buzzard for her to eat before riding off
- she followed after him, but found herself confronted
by a gang of "horny as jackrabbits" outlaws led by Hard
Case Williams (Geoffrey Lewis); Rosie was stripped of her blouse
- and before she was defiled, she claimed: "No! Stop! Wait!
I'm a...virgin" - Hard Case replied: "A virgin, really?
That DOES make a difference. Then I'LL go first. I've had carnal
knowledge of 215 women and two goats...but none of them have ever
made me sneeze before"; allergic to her perfume, he passed
off his manly duties to his gang, who were soon exhausted and satiated
("What a bunch of deadbeats!"); before escaping the gang,
she accidentally crushed the neck of the midget gang member Clarence
(Daniel Frishman) who was providing her with oral sex between her
thighs
Rosie Valez (Divine)
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Abel Wood (Tab Hunter)
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Rosie Stripped
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- Rosie and Abel entered the town of Chile Verde and
its saloon-brothel, owned by lusty Marguerita Ventura (Lainie Kazan);
she made a dramatic appearance at the door to the saloon with a
shotgun aimed at Abel: "Freeze, hombre. Or I'll be wearing
your asshole for a garter" - she looked him up and down and
then remarked: "Nice pair of jingle-bobs" (spurs); she
identified her name to Rosie: "The customers call me 'Marguerita'.
The territory calls me 'Marguerita'. My real close friends call
me 'Miss Ventura'"
- other characters included: Bernardo (Henry Silva)
- Marguerita's Latino bartender-lover, the saloon's two hookers:
(1) sexy Ninfa (Gina Gallego), and (2) Big Ed (Nedra Volz) - a
tiny, elderly fragile lady whose only dream was to get to Abilene,
and Father Garcia (Cesar Romero)
![](http://www.filmsite.org/addons/lustind6.jpg)
Ninfa to Abel: "Do you like what you see,
senor? I'm the best French-kisser in Chile Verde"
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![](http://www.filmsite.org/addons/lustind7.jpg)
Big Ed (Nedra Volz)
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![](http://www.filmsite.org/addons/lustind9.jpg)
Marguerita
with Bernardo
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- the scene of Marguerita stripping down and joining
Abel (with only his boots on) for sex in the makeshift outdoor
shower
- the main goal of the outlaws was to locate hidden
gold treasure, described by Father Garcia: ("The legend of
the gold keeps this town alive. That is why they are all here.
These are ruthless men - and women"); the secret of the gold
was found in a limerick puzzle: ("There was a young fellow
from Scotland / Who robbed the New Mexico hotland / In a grave
situation / Two butes his salvation / He buried the gold / But
in what land?")
- after Bernardo's murder by Abel (almost hanged by
a mob), Marguerita's performance of a bawdy, euphemism-filled song "South
of My Border" to Abel in the saloon: ("Let me take you
south of my border / Just north of my garter / Where everything's
on order for you / Where it's sweet like a potion / Feel the heat,
feel the motion / Marguerita's hot from head to her shoe /...")
- saloon rival Rosie briefly retorted with her own version of one
line of the song: ("Let her take you south of her border /
If you think you can afford her")
- the scene of Big Ed untying naked Hard Case from
a headboard, and noting his impressive "early morning" stimulated
state:
"Oh, my goodness!"; when he responded: "Lady, this
is no time to be pointing an accusing finger," she quipped: "At
least it's only my finger that's pointing!"
(l to r): Rosie's and Marguerita's Butts Revealing
A Map of Scotland
and Location of the Gold in Bute Hills, NM
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- the revelation that the gold treasure map was tattooed
in two half-sections on the separate ample rear-ends of Rosie and
Marguerita - it was a map of Scotland marked "BU - TE" -
Rosie figured out the puzzle: "Cactus Kaplan's Grave!" (briefly
passed by Rosie in the opening sequence) - (Abel explained the
puzzle: "Two Butes, One in Scotland, the Other One Here! Or
Two Beauties - the Ladies")
- the concluding three-way Mexican standoff shoot-out
between Hard Case Williams, Wood, and Rosie and Marguerita (teamed
up together), to get the gold (robbed from the Las Cruces Bank
years earlier) - buried next to Cactus Kaplan's Grave in Bute Hills,
N.M.; Rosie used her thighs to grip the treasure box and open it;
Father Garcia then appeared and revealed that Cactus Kaplan was
the father of both Rosie and Marguerita: ("He devised the
limerick - and he put the last, the vital clue, on his infant daughters.
He wanted you sisters to have the gold...You girls were brought
up by separate foster families") - but then, he went crazy
and was shot dead by the others (Hard Case: "If there's one
thing I hate, it's a pushy priest!"); next to be shot dead
was Hard Case, followed by Marguerita who was mercilessly killed
by a spiteful Rosie for bragging about making love with Abel: "When
we made love, it was fireworks exploding - big long roman candles
shootin' off inside me...we did it in the shower"
- in the surprise conclusion, from a cliff-top, Big
Ed shot Rosie and saved Abel, and the two rode off to Abilene;
Rosie survived the shooting, but appeared to commit suicide (a
gun-shot was heard off-screen) when she commiserated that Abel
had deserted her ("What the use?"); in the ending spoof
of Gone with the Wind (1939), Rosie
greedily chomped down on a buzzard she had shot and roasted, and
mused: "Oh well, maybe he'll be back tomorrow. After all,
tomorrow is another day"
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Rosie with Abel
Marguerita: "Freeze, hombre!"
![](http://www.filmsite.org/addons/lustind5.jpg)
"Nice pair of jingle-bobs"
"My real close friends call me 'Miss Ventura'"
Shower Scene
Abel Saved From Hanging
Marguerita's Song: "South of the Border"
Big Ed Noting Hard Case's Erection
Cactus Kaplan's Tombstone in Bute Hills, N.M.
The Mexican Stand-off at the Gravesite
Father Garcia's Revelation That Bank Robber Cactus Kaplan
Was the Father of Rosie and Marguerita
Ending: Rosie Eating A Buzzard: "After all, tomorrow
is another day"
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